my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
