you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
