I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You were trust falling into bushes
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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