just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
