Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
