I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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