I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
