the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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