Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
