I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
