I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize