Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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