You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
