so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
