The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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