if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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