i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
