I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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