Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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