TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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