she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
