Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
