Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
