A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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