if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
