I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
