You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
