whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
