Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
