dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
