That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
