She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
