One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
