I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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