If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
