Sry I called you an 8
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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