Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize