3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
