I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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