One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
