we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize