I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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