And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
