just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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