I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
