Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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