I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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