wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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