i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
