i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
