Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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