He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize