I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
