How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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