you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
dude. I can hear the air.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
