Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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